Where I'm at now...

I'll get back to the other parts of my journey getting here later but right now, I'm focusing on the present. Not the past. Not the future. Just today. Though I do need to give you a brief intro before discussing today...

Last year, after my diagnosis, I completed chemoradiation followed by 8 (2-week) cycles of chemo. On March 13, 2023, I found out that those treatments together had made my tumor go away and I was able to hold on surgery and watch and wait. If it came back, I went straight to surgery. In July, I had a flexsig (think mini-colonoscopy that you are awake for) and had no sign of the tumor coming back.

Fast forward to September. I had a chest/abdominal CT and they found a 1 cm nodule in my lower left lung. about a week and a half later, I had a lung biopsy and the results confirmed that the nodule was a tumor with markers that showed that it was directly related to my original tumor and that my cancer had spread to my lung. 

Last week I talked to my oncologist about the plan and today I have another flexsig to check on the original tumor site to make sure that the original tumor is still gone. If it is gone, I have 3 months of chemo, followed by lung surgery, a short recovery, and finally another 3 months of chemo. If the original tumor is back, I also have rectal surgery. 

In this moment, right now, I'm okay with this. I'm not looking forward to it. I wish it wasn't the case. But I'm ok with where I'm at and what has to happen next. I can do this. I can get through chemo. I can get through the surgery and recovery. I don't want to have to do this but I've got this.

 If you're reading this and in a similar situation or have a family member in a similar situation and you are feeling very differently about your situation, try not to compare our situations. Everyone is different and processes things differently. To get to where I'm at now, I've been going to therapy for over a year now, I've been on antidepressants for years, and while today I feel ok and ready, tomorrow I may feel differently. And that's ok.

There is a level of grief that comes with a cancer diagnosis. Last year, with the original diagnosis, it was so much harder. This time around, I have done even more research and my chemo meds will be the same as last time so I know what to expect there. I've mentally planned for different alternatives and that makes me feel better. I know that research and planning help me cope so that's what I do. 

It's still hard and I still go into different stages of grief and have woe is me days but for right in this moment today, I've got this.