Post-Treatment

I haven't written in a few weeks because honestly, I didn't know what to say. There's this weird transition after you complete treatment and it is worse after stopping it early. At least for me, anyway.

I was still struggling with my decision even though I knew it was the right one for my body. I did a lot of research and very carefully made the decision but the thing is, even though I know that it's more likely than not that the cancer will come back, if it does come back, I'll always wonder if I did enough. Would 3 more treatments have made the difference? At the same time, if it doesn't come back but I end up with significant long-term side effects on my body from the treatments, I'll wonder if I did too much. There really isn't any winning here. 

Anyway, going back to the transition, I don't know where to go from here. The cancer came back so quickly (or rather never really left) the last time, that it affects all of my decisions. It's been a VERY expensive 2 years for medical bills. We've already maxed out the family contributions to the HSA this year and insurance re-ups in September. That doesn't include the $2250 we put into the account in late December. Between doctors and dentists and cancer, between January and May we have paid more than $10,500 in medical bills and there's still 6 more months and I'll easily hit the $3200 deductible this Fall after the insurance re-ups because I still will have bloodwork and scans and doctor visits and that doesn't include anything that comes up with my family.

So, I'm really feeling the pinch to do more than just what I've been doing part-time for work during treatment these last 2 years because our savings just keeps dropping and it wasn't high to begin with. At the same time, when I'm trying to decide what to do for work, I need to find something that is more flexible. Something that allows me to still take the kids to appointments and still go to appointments myself and something that allows me to keep working even if the cancer comes back and I'm back in treatment again. I hope that doesn't happen and while I don't think it will, the very FIRST scan that I had post NED (no evidence of disease), only 6 months later, was the one that found the metastases so for a very long time, I'm going to keep worrying that there's something small still growing and we just can't see it yet. So, mentally, I need to prepare for that in all aspects of my life so that it's not so hard if it does happen. 

I'm also working myself back onto a Low Fodmap diet this week to see if I can get my stomach to feel better and to get inflammation down and to identify the things that are triggering those problems. Once I am symptom-free, I'll do the reintroductions very carefully this time to identify what foods/groups are problematic and decide what I need to limit and what I need to eliminate. Making such significant dietary changes is hard for me but I'm figuring it out.

I still have so far to go to get my body back into decent shape physically but I'm starting slowly. I've been walking once a week and trying to build little bits of exercise into my days. I'm also doing more around the house again now that I am feeling better and that helps with the physical activity as well. It's still so incredibly frustrating though. I'm so tired of being tired and weaker and now that I'm post-menopausal (silver lining from radiation) and in my 40's and have been unable to do much for well over a year and a half now, it takes a lot to get back into shape.

I'll get there but it's going to take some (a lot) of time and in the meantime, I'm still annoyed at what I can't do. I get tired after a 20 minute walk where I used to be able to walk 5-6 miles (at my former pace that was about 1.5 hours give or take 15 min) and come home and still get stuff done. Now I take a 45 minute break after swapping loads of laundry (carrying the basket up and down the stairs, folding and going up to the 2nd floor to put them away) but this is still way more than I was able to do a few months ago. 

Emotionally and depression-wise, I'm still lower than I'd like to be but it's been an intense few months and, as I said before, the transition from active treatment to recovery is hard for me. I'm still affected by the cancer but may or may not have cancer in my body. I may be done and it may never come back or it could come back way sooner than I like or anything in the middle. There's no clear answer here unless it does come back and I'd rather have no answer but it's hard to sit in a will it or won't it headspace and I probably shouldn't anyway. 

All-in-all, while I always wish it was faster (my ADHD brain wants instant results), I'm recovering well and I'm good.