Tired... so tired!

I forgot how tired I get on chemo. It's this level of physical and mental exhaustion but yet I have trouble falling asleep and I just sleep crappy. That weird awake but not awake kind of sleep mixed with chunks of actual sleep and waking up more.

The physical part is this combination of shortness of breath, feeling crappy, and even getting up to do simple things just takes a lot out of me. I lay in bed for awhile after a short shower to recover. I should just take a nap then but I usually have something else I need to be doing. I try to do other things in spurts. I'll rest and recover for awhile and then get up and unstack and restack the dishwasher. Then I need to go lay down again for hours.

The good news is that it's not every day of the cycle. I seem to be most tired on the day the pump comes off and the day or 2 after that. I start being tired on the infusion day and just get more tired until the day or 2 after the pump comes off and then I start to recover back some of my energy and sleep at least a little better. 

Chemo is hard. I can't tell you how many times I told my husband that chemo sucks between this cycle and last. It makes sense that it's hard though. I'm infusing medications directly into my veins that shouldn't even touch your skin. I have a chemo med spill kit with a gown and gloves in my home just in case something happens to the pump and it leaks. Chemo meds are really bad for you. Unless you have cancer. 

I can feel and see the impact that the chemo meds have on my body on a daily basis and in my bloodwork. But that means that they are working. It just sucks that they have to be so destructive to the rest of the body while taking out the cancer cells. 

Nausea was better this round but I stopped taking the meds too early and still feel meh. I get this weird shiver sometimes rather than a nausea feeling. I'll think of something that makes me nauseous or drink water and my whole body just shivers. I'm going to do better about continuing the nausea meds for longer next round. 

The gross taste in my mouth is back. I do what I can to keep it out of my mouth but sometimes it means I just keep eating and gaining weight to keep the taste out which really doesn't help in the long-term. I'm working on finding something that helps but it's a challenge. Most things only help for a little bit, not any significant length of time. I've been chewing some gum and having some mints. Sometimes I brush my teeth or gargle with salt water. I need to make a run to TOPS and pick up some Metaquil. Last round, the PA prescribed Zinc as well but that's more of a long-term fix than short-term. I may need to add that this time as well. All those help a little, it's just bouncing back and forth between them. 

The extra eating and everything else just exacerbates the indigestion/heartburn I get from the chemo so I'm back to taking Pepcid for that. Everything is just not fun. Also, because the meds are rough on my body and because I do struggle drinking water, I need to use stool softeners/laxatives at times to help me have a BM and/or to make it less painful. It gets more frequent the further I go through chemo.

Some days it doesn't feel like I can handle this. Some days I just want to quit. And that's ok. I know I am allowed to feel that way. I also know that I can handle this and I'm not going to quit. Cancer is not going to beat me. This is just a brief window of time in my life and we all have crappy times in our lives. So, I'm gonna let myself feel crappy on crappy days and the days that I feel a little better, I'm going to do more and recover and enjoy feeling a little better. And then I'm going to do it all over again.

Also, for all this complaining I'm doing, it's important to mention that I also had time and energy to go to a Committee meeting this week (on disconnect day before I was disconnected) as well as to decorate my car and take part in Trunk or Treat at my youngest son's school (the day after I was disconnected). I also got another day of subbing in at the end of last cycle just before starting this cycle. So yes, I feel all those things but it's not hard 100% of the time and it's really important for me to recognize that and to do other things when I can. Those things help me remember that I CAN get through this. It can be so easy to just get sucked into focusing on the hard parts (especially when you have such a long history of depression like I have) so, without diminishing how crappy those parts are and while acknowledging those feelings and allowing myself to have them, I have to also actively engage in and be present in the good moments so those memories and feelings are as strong or stronger than the negative thoughts and feelings. Balance is so important.

Anyway, 2 rounds done. 4 to go before a break and surgery.