Round 6 of 6 Pre-surgery

Well, my final round pre-surgery is here. I had infusion and was connected on Tuesday. I should be getting disconnected in a little bit. Today I'm tired and the taste in my mouth is not fun but otherwise, I'm ok.

I'm starting to get a little nervous about the next step. My first c-section was not planned and happened fast and with the second, I had already had one. And I was awake for both. I was awake for lasik and the port placement and the biopsy (which was NOT fun at all) and just barely out for my colonoscopy. 

Speaking of all that, now that this round of chemo is done, I get back to scanning. I'll be getting a pelvic MRI tomorrow morning. So I get to wake up at 6 am tomorrow to give myself an enema prior to the MRI. In the last 18 months, I've had to give myself 3 fleet enemas (for the MRI's) and at least 4 warm water enemas for the flex sig checkups (think mini-colonoscopy and you're awake for it). And there will be many more in my future, I'm sure. Honestly, they aren't horrible. Not fun, but tolerable.

The MRI's take about 45 minutes and I'm so claustrophobic so it's not fun. I have a Xanax to take but when I've had to drive myself and not take one, I spend the whole time trying so hard to meditate and to not try to climb out of the machine. My brain goes crazy. It helps to have them put a washcloth over my eyes before I go into the machine. I get cold in the machine if my arms are out but when my brain is freaking out, I have really bad hot flashes while in the machine so I have to go with cold so I don't move.

It feels very weird to post all of this. I still hold some back but I'm trying hard to be open and honest and I'll slowly get to the things I still keep to myself.

The most important thing is that I really make a point of not focusing on the negative. I focus on the plan and where I'm at in it. Counting calms my brain during stress. Yeah. I'm weird like that. When I had radiation, I counted down the days. When I was in the machine, I counted how long each rotation of the machine took. I'm counting down my chemo treatments now and I'm 1/3 of the way through my plan. Next step, surgery.

Sorry if these get a little jumbled/all over the place. I'm already ADHD and add in chemo brain and I'm all over the place. Well, my brain is all over right now and tired and doesn't want to focus and I've written enough for today so I'm out of here.