Round 5 of 6 Pre-surgery

I was sick this past week and a half and was nervous I wasn't going to be able to get this round this week. I was also nervous about my absolute neutrophils since they had been so low the last round. As much as I do not enjoy chemo, not getting it makes me worry that I won't get rid of all of the cancer in my body and that it will keep coming back.

Not gonna lie. I had some dark thoughts. In the interest of being honest and vulnerable, this is what I wrote in one of my notes over the weekend when I thought I may not be able to get chemo on Monday. 

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"I’m afraid I’m going to die. I’m afraid that if I don’t stay on track with the treatments that the cancer will will. I feel like my body is betraying me. I’m trying very hard to stay on track with my treatments and even when I feel good, my bloodwork says I’m not doing as well as I need to be to continue forward on this path.

I’m afraid there are more cancer cells floating around and that we wont get enough chemo in me to kill them and they will take hold.

I am hoping so hard that any loose cells that could take hold are destroyed and all that is left is what’s left of the lung tumor that will be removed. 

I’m trying to rationalize my way around the tumor to say it should have shown up already if I had more floating around but I know that’s not true. It could still be so small and floating around. The tiniest dot would have millions of cancer cells. 

I’m sad. And am slipping lower. I’ll feel  better when I am getting chemo again. That’s so weird to say but it’s true. Chemo sucks but it’s keeping me alive by killing cancer cells."

*****

It's was hard to write as it is to read. I try very hard to avoid the negative but it's very real. I have stage 4 rectal cancer. The cancer could just end up being too much for my body and I could lose the battle. It's a very real possibility.

But I'm not going to. I'm digging my heals in and I'm staying. The cancer is going to lose, not me. I refuse to lose. 

It's so important to remember to feel the good AND the bad. Staying positive is so important in the whole process and it can be hard some days but you can't stay positive by just avoiding the negative. That is just as real and just as important to feel. I don't need to dwell on it but I do need to let myself feel everything that comes through me. It helps me appreciate the good.

I'm still so grateful for everything I have. Amazing husband and kids. Wonderful family and friends. Doctors that care about me and are invested in getting me healthy. A community of people who care about me and support me. All the wonderful staff at the Roswell main campus, the Scott Bieler Amherst Center Infusion Center, the nurses that hook me up and disconnect me with McAuley Seton. I'm fully supported with friendly faces the whole way.

All of those people are the reason I'm going to survive and thrive. I've got this.